Thursday, August 9, 2012

The United States of Honey Boo Boo

I am full of shame this morning.  I did indeed watch TLC's latest tragedy, "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo".  I mustered all the restraint I could, but the urge was too strong.  I do realize that my viewership encourages TLC to make shows such as this, but I couldn't look away.  I wanted to look away, trust me, but I simply couldn't.  Please tell me I am not the only one with no self control, when it comes to trashy reality TV.  I'm not, right?  Right?

Obviously I'm not, since our TV's have been inundated with reality shows for over a decade now.  They are undoubtedly getting more horrific as time passes, and it really has me wondering…what will rock bottom look like?

I might as well tell you the entire story.  Before watching "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo", I watched two episodes of "Toddlers and Tiaras".  I have of course seen the show before, but after having a daughter myself, it REALLY began to disturb me, so I pretty much nixed it from my repertoire of trash TV.  Well…let me tell you, watching those two episodes last night really taught me a thing or two.

Please allow me to share:
1. It is apparently legal for a four year old to be a stripper.
2. Red Bull is the choice of toddlers these days.  It really gives them that extra pep in their step.  Note: always remember to put it in their favorite sippy cup. (Or bottle if you are a REALLY good mother)
3. Someone FINALLY created a channel for pedophiles! ABOUT TIME!

The biggest lesson I have learned since becoming a mother, is to not judge other mothers.  I have repented for all the dirty looks I have given bedraggled mothers, walking around dazed with dirty screaming children.  Being a parent is the most difficult job in the world, so I make it a point to give all parents the benefit of the doubt.  Even if they are dragging little Bobby out of Target by the ear.  He probably deserved it.  This show is a different story.  I'm bout to get real judgmental.

Admittedly, watching the show does really give me a confidence boost as a mother, but I must set aside my pride for not yet or ever planning to whore out my daughter, and focus on the issue at hand.  I think we all see what is really going on in shows such as this.  The mother has MAJOR issues, and is trying to live vicariously through her daughter.  Most of these issues are beyond obvious.  The 300 pound toothless mother was never pretty and knows that she must pounce on the precious few years that her child could be considered mildly cute while wearing pounds of makeup, before becoming an exact replica of herself.  The other scenario is the mom who could be considered mildly attractive, but never left her hometown because she got knocked up by the local drunk Jimmy in the bathroom at prom.  Either way you slice it, mommy has some issues, and daughter isn't too far behind.

Here is the most bizarre part of this whole travesty…no one is ever in the audience, except for the girls and their mothers! Sometime their toothless dads show up, but for the most part there are tons of empty chairs in a room full of obese woman and their toddlers dressed up like hookers.  Can't they just have a pageant in their living room and save themselves a crap load of money?  Really, what is the point?  I would at least think that having an actual audience would be necessary to make it worth the trouble.  (I do realize that they have a TV audience now, but this idiocy has been around for quite a while).  These mothers spend far more than they could ever win, yet they keep at it.  I am quite sure that not a single one of those girls has a college fund.  I suppose they are betting on little Susie becoming Miss America so she can pretend to be a good Christian girl who doesn't want gays getting married, but is okay with making sex tapes while unmarried and getting boob jobs  win a scholarship to college. HA. Fat chance.  Literally.

Really though, who cares, it is only children they're ruining, right?

On to America's new little darling, Honey Boo Boo.  I have to admit through most of the show I was trying to guess their combined weight, but the parts I did manage to process had me laying in the bed with my mouth hanging open in disbelief.  Usually I just laugh out loud at how idiotic these people are, but I was just plain embarrassed.  I was embarrassed for everyone involved, and those not.  I have many foreign friends, and they practically already thought America was something like this, now they will have the proof.

I do admit that little Honey Boo Boo has quite the personality.  She is also well on her way to type two diabetes, but that isn't her fault.  Perhaps if Big Mamma, or whatever the hell they call her, didn't refer to cheese puffs as "the breakfast of champions", little Honey Boo Boo might not have a heart attack before the age of 40.  Isn't this some sort of abuse?  Perhaps I'm over reacting.  Maybe they just eat like that on camera; surely off camera they eat…I don't know…a vegetable?!  I think it is more likely they have never seen a vegetable.

Things aren't all bad though.  Big Mama did give our little Honey Boo Boo some time off from dressing like a child hooker, to attend the local KKK rally  MENSA meeting for some good ole bobbing for pigs feet and belly flopping in the mud, which luckily her pregnant seventeen year old daughter declined to do. I think.

I guess all that is left is to give a big congrats to TLC for yet another quality program.  After so many years of the Kardashians, we were in desperate need of a show that represents the REAL American family.  I'm sure Honey Boo Boo, Big Mamma, Sugar Bear, Fatty, and Prego will be around for at least 15 more minutes.  We might even be around to see Mamma reach her goal weight of 200 pounds.  We can only hope.

I'm not going to lie, I will probably watch it again.

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