Bits of Wisdom I Hope to Impart to My Daughter

Bits of Wisdom I Hope to Impart to My Daughter:

1. All men are full of shit. Find the one that is the least full of shit and pick him.
2. Don't dress like a whore. If you're showing your legs, cover your boobs. If you're showing your boobs, cover your legs. (Not literally showing your boobs of course.)
3. We live and die Dallas Cowboys. Be prepared for disappointment, but be forever loyal.
4. I promise to openly accept you, whatever you may be. Gay, straight, bi, forward, backward, alien, etc. But please don't be a serial killer. Or a stripper. That one's on your dad though. In the words of Chris Rock "You know you fucked up as a father if your daughter's on the pole".
5. You don't have to "be ladylike" or "act like a lady". Be appropriate. There is a time for cursing like a sailor and it is not at your boyfriend's grandma's dinner table. There is a time for spitting, farting, and burping. It has to do with being a human, not a lady. Learn to judge accordingly.
6. If someone tells you that only inner beauty matters, that is total crap. You will constantly be judged on your outer beauty. Give yourself time. When you find yourself staring at an awkward teen with ears that stick out and horrible teeth, take comfort in the fact that you will grow into your ears, and we promise to get you braces. I was fairly unfortunate, and not a single boy was interested in me in high school. I lived through it. You will too.
7. Learn what "don't bullshit a bullshitter means". You're going to hear it a lot.
8. If you ask your father a question the answer will always be "Go ask your mother." Always.
9. DON'T EVER, FOR ANY REASON, NO MATTER HOW "IN LOVE" YOU ARE, MAKE A SEX TAPE. EVER. DON'T EVER DO IT. EVER.
10. Be nice to everyone,especially the weirdos. You don't want trench coat boy looking for you when he storms the lunchroom with an AK-47.
11. Always say please and thank you.
12. If you go out on a first date with a guy and he doesn't pay, don't ever go out with him again. He is a cheap asshole. (If you're a lesbian I'm not sure what to tell you. Flip a coin?)
13. You can do anything a man can do. And should. But it is always acceptable to ask your Daddy to do it for you.
14. Be extra nice to your godfather Avi Gandhi. He is paying your college tuition.
15. Learn the rules of making fun of people. Don't make fun of someone for something they can't help. Wearing Ed Hardy is open season. You get the idea.
16. Getting drunk can be fun, but it almost always leads to someone doing something really stupid. Everything in moderation my dear.
17. When people constantly ask you about your name, feel free to say "because my parents are assholes". We're okay with that.
18. I am a horrible dancer with no coordination. Your father is the opposite. Sorry in advance.
19. In fifth grade, I threw my lunch tray at a girl twice my size. I don't know what I would have done if she had taken it further. Make sure you can finish shit if you're going to start shit.
20. I'll bail you out of jail, no questions asked. ONCE. ONLY ONCE.