The United States of Honey Boo Boo

I am full of shame this morning.  I did indeed watch TLC's latest tragedy, "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo".  I mustered all the restraint I could, but the urge was too strong.  I do realize that my viewership encourages TLC to make shows such as this, but I couldn't look away.  I wanted to look away, trust me, but I simply couldn't.  Please tell me I am not the only one with no self control, when it comes to trashy reality TV.  I'm not, right?  Right?

Obviously I'm not, since our TV's have been inundated with reality shows for over a decade now.  They are undoubtedly getting more horrific as time passes, and it really has me wondering…what will rock bottom look like?

I might as well tell you the entire story.  Before watching "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo", I watched two episodes of "Toddlers and Tiaras".  I have of course seen the show before, but after having a daughter myself, it REALLY began to disturb me, so I pretty much nixed it from my repertoire of trash TV.  Well…let me tell you, watching those two episodes last night really taught me a thing or two.

Please allow me to share:
1. It is apparently legal for a four year old to be a stripper.
2. Red Bull is the choice of toddlers these days.  It really gives them that extra pep in their step.  Note: always remember to put it in their favorite sippy cup. (Or bottle if you are a REALLY good mother)
3. Someone FINALLY created a channel for pedophiles! ABOUT TIME!

The biggest lesson I have learned since becoming a mother, is to not judge other mothers.  I have repented for all the dirty looks I have given bedraggled mothers, walking around dazed with dirty screaming children.  Being a parent is the most difficult job in the world, so I make it a point to give all parents the benefit of the doubt.  Even if they are dragging little Bobby out of Target by the ear.  He probably deserved it.  This show is a different story.  I'm bout to get real judgmental.

Admittedly, watching the show does really give me a confidence boost as a mother, but I must set aside my pride for not yet or ever planning to whore out my daughter, and focus on the issue at hand.  I think we all see what is really going on in shows such as this.  The mother has MAJOR issues, and is trying to live vicariously through her daughter.  Most of these issues are beyond obvious.  The 300 pound toothless mother was never pretty and knows that she must pounce on the precious few years that her child could be considered mildly cute while wearing pounds of makeup, before becoming an exact replica of herself.  The other scenario is the mom who could be considered mildly attractive, but never left her hometown because she got knocked up by the local drunk Jimmy in the bathroom at prom.  Either way you slice it, mommy has some issues, and daughter isn't too far behind.

Here is the most bizarre part of this whole travesty…no one is ever in the audience, except for the girls and their mothers! Sometime their toothless dads show up, but for the most part there are tons of empty chairs in a room full of obese woman and their toddlers dressed up like hookers.  Can't they just have a pageant in their living room and save themselves a crap load of money?  Really, what is the point?  I would at least think that having an actual audience would be necessary to make it worth the trouble.  (I do realize that they have a TV audience now, but this idiocy has been around for quite a while).  These mothers spend far more than they could ever win, yet they keep at it.  I am quite sure that not a single one of those girls has a college fund.  I suppose they are betting on little Susie becoming Miss America so she can pretend to be a good Christian girl who doesn't want gays getting married, but is okay with making sex tapes while unmarried and getting boob jobs  win a scholarship to college. HA. Fat chance.  Literally.

Really though, who cares, it is only children they're ruining, right?

On to America's new little darling, Honey Boo Boo.  I have to admit through most of the show I was trying to guess their combined weight, but the parts I did manage to process had me laying in the bed with my mouth hanging open in disbelief.  Usually I just laugh out loud at how idiotic these people are, but I was just plain embarrassed.  I was embarrassed for everyone involved, and those not.  I have many foreign friends, and they practically already thought America was something like this, now they will have the proof.

I do admit that little Honey Boo Boo has quite the personality.  She is also well on her way to type two diabetes, but that isn't her fault.  Perhaps if Big Mamma, or whatever the hell they call her, didn't refer to cheese puffs as "the breakfast of champions", little Honey Boo Boo might not have a heart attack before the age of 40.  Isn't this some sort of abuse?  Perhaps I'm over reacting.  Maybe they just eat like that on camera; surely off camera they eat…I don't know…a vegetable?!  I think it is more likely they have never seen a vegetable.

Things aren't all bad though.  Big Mama did give our little Honey Boo Boo some time off from dressing like a child hooker, to attend the local KKK rally  MENSA meeting for some good ole bobbing for pigs feet and belly flopping in the mud, which luckily her pregnant seventeen year old daughter declined to do. I think.

I guess all that is left is to give a big congrats to TLC for yet another quality program.  After so many years of the Kardashians, we were in desperate need of a show that represents the REAL American family.  I'm sure Honey Boo Boo, Big Mamma, Sugar Bear, Fatty, and Prego will be around for at least 15 more minutes.  We might even be around to see Mamma reach her goal weight of 200 pounds.  We can only hope.

I'm not going to lie, I will probably watch it again.

Proof I'm Not a Racist, and why Candy the Prostitute Should Always Carry a Gun.

We all know "neighborhood watch" groups are for douche bags with no life. Such as myself. With that said, I live in Los Angeles. I assure you, someone in my neighborhood will be shot tonight. Why watch for it? That is probably why I am not a member of one. Also, because I don't care about your house. I care about mine. If I'm watching your house, who is watching mine? Let's all just watch our own houses, shall we? Then if we are all watching our own house, we'll know which neighbor's duty it is to kill the kid walking down the street with the Skittles and black skin.

I realize I live in the big ole city, so unlike most other people, I have seen a stranger walking down the street at night. Even black ones. I think there are even strangers walking through my neighborhood right this very moment. Sometimes, that happens. Sometimes, people you don't know are seen in and around your neighborhood. Sometimes, their reasons for being several hundred feet or more from your home are suspect, but most of the time, they're just walking down the street, going somewhere. Say…their dad's girlfriend's house or something.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem. If you haven't already heard, or been following the CASE of the gun slingin, neighborhood watchin, trigger happy George Zimmerman and his victim aggressor, the seventeen year old Trevon Martin, who was seen by Zimmerman wielding a bag of Skittles and being black, please do click on the link and take a look. Has anyone spotted the problem yet? No? Allow me to explain.

So, what exactly IS our problem here in the good ole US of A? A little something called "The Right to Bear Arms". I'm not talking about wearing tank tops folks, (though I do think there should be stricter laws on that too) I'm talking about guns. We LOVE our guns. And we LOVE our right to bear em. Now hold on…before the Texans reading this call TSA and blacklist me from my visit in a few weeks, hear me out.

Do I believe we should be allowed to own guns as civilians? Yes, I do. I believe in your home, or shall we say dwelling, you should be able to have a gun. Should anyone break, walk, run, or otherwise enter your house in any way that is menacing, feel free to blow their head off.

If you work the night shift at the local 7-11, and someone walks in for a Slurpee, your money, and perhaps your life, by all means, please feel free to put a few bullets in em.

If your name is Candy, and your down on your luck with kids to feed and a crack habit, I don't know if it is smart for you to have a gun, but I would recommend having one when getting in the car with strange men. After all, serial killers DO love em some prostitutes.

Fun fact: While enforcing stricter gun laws would probably benefit our nation greatly, it would indeed not greatly affect your chances of being killed by a serial killer. Guns are not often their weapon of choice. They like to get up close and personal. Stab you, strangle you, something like that. So we won't use serial killers in our argument for stricter gun laws.

However, we will use Mr. George Zimmerman as an example.

I'm a reader. I LOVE to read. I love to read non-fiction. Mostly about criminals and serial killers. Mostly serial killers. I know it sounds weird, but it is very interesting to learn the similarities and differences between killers. Their childhood, profession, social life, etc. The similarities are astounding, but not surprising. For example, if your kid is a little over zealous with the matches, likes to kill the neighborhood cats, and wet the bed till he was 14, he most likely is going to be a serial killer. And, most likely it is your fault. Here I go again, talking about serial killers. I Love the subject. I could talk about it for hours. I swear I would have been a detective or something, if you didn't first have to be a police officer.

Wait, what? A police officer? DING DING DING. Someone gets a prize if they connected the dots on this one.

I'm not calling George Zimmerman a serial killer. He probably isn't. However, a great number of serial killers, (ie: people who murder people) are wanna-be cops. They have cop buddies, scanners, perhaps they even applied to the academy and were denied for some reason or another. What does this have to do with George Zimmerman? Well…

What was he doing the night Treyvon Martin was walking down the street with his skittles in hand (or pocket)? He was "patrolling" his neighborhood, on a volunteer basis, in his SUV, looking for suspicious characters. WITH A GUN. He called 911, just as any good citizen should, and was told not to pursue, that the police were on their way. He ignored the 911 officer and pursued Treyvon Martin anyway. Does anyone get where I'm going with this?

In my opinion, this case should end here. Anything that happened after the 911 officer told Zimmerman not to pursue, and he did it anyway, is his own fucking fault. If the kid did indeed punch him, he got what he deserved. I can hardly believe that is the case though.

George Zimmerman had a case of the "I wanna be a cop" syndrome. He had it bad. So bad, that he committed a good amount of his time, unpaid, to patrol his neighborhood. What a great guy, right? Not so much. More like, what a guy that should not be allowed to have a gun outside of his dwelling.

George Zimmerman IS the reason for tougher gun laws. Johnny down at the local florist, probably has little reason for packing heat, when his nine to fiver involves arranging roses. Johnny needs to give a good reason to conceal a deadly weapon. Just like anyone else that is requesting to carry a concealed firearm outside of their home. If Johnny can't come up with a GOOD reason, he should be required to keep his weapon at home. Why was Zimmerman carrying a weapon that night? I know that if I was ever douche enough to do a neighborhood watch, I sure as hell wouldn't pursue some six foot plus stranger walking down the street. I would, as most, call 911, and give myself a pat on the back as the cops arrived. Or, feel like an asshole when the kid had a reason for being there. I sure wouldn't pursue him with a gun, unless, perhaps I was feeling a little more like "Officer Zimmerman" that night, then I did "Volunteer neighborhood watch weirdo carrying a concealed weapon, George Zimmerman".

Do I believe Treyvon Martin pursued George Zimmerman in any way, prompting Zimmerman to shoot him out of self-defensive? Absolutely not. Do I believe George Zimmerman is protected under this bull shit "Stand Your Ground" law that is kind of like self-defense, but requires less evidence? I do not. I think he was looking for trouble and when he didn't find it, he created it. Was Treyvon a sweet little angel faced, straight A student? I don't know. Probably not. Was he a thug? I don't know. Probably not. Did he have a reason to be where he was, doing what he was doing that night. Yes, he did.

Zimmerman does most likely have some sort of mental disorder. He probably imagined "saving" the neighborhood many times before. He had dreamed of this day. The local hero. Officer Zimmerman. Oooppss…I mean George Zimmerman. This man is guilty as the day is long. He felt like playing a little game of cops and robbers, and now a seventeen year old kid is dead.

He should be held accountable.

This proves I'm not a racist, right?